


time to go, the engine's running

by orphan_account



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M, Kinda, ish, post 3x20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 08:52:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3844765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>one day you're holding on to his hand, and the next, all you're holding on to is a breath of hope that's barely even there. / drabble, title from scars by james bay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	time to go, the engine's running

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written anything in a long time, lol. just drabble written at 1 am, unbeta'd as always. not really proud of this but oh well. this is felicity after oliver left for the league, and if he comes back with no recollection of his past life.

You both agreed not to say goodbye, in hopes of seeing each other again in the future, but you both also know that it's over. The farewell you did not say hung in the air and followed you back home, as Oliver lost his soul somewhere else. 

You think it's plain painful how one day, you look over your shoulder, and he's there, smiling at you, and the next, you do the same thing but there's no one to look at. It's unbearable when you lose a constant in your life, when suddenly someone's not there anymore. You'd think you already got used to it, considering the kind of life you lead, but somehow every goodbye, unspoken or uttered, hurts more than the last. One night there's a warm hand holding on to yours, and then that's gone and all you're holding onto is a breath of hope that's barely even there. 

You don't know if losing Oliver to the League is worse than him dying, but you're almost sure it is. You feel like you could have done something to save his soul, but you didn't, and now you're alone in your room, without a pair of blue eyes to mirror yours. 

The moment he came back to Diggle's apartment, he seemed confused, but relieved that he was out of Nanda Parbat. When you arrive at the apartment a few minutes shy of him, he's there, sitting by the table and talking to John. You call out his name with an expectant and hopeful look in your eyes, and he turns to you with not one emotion to be seen in his. You notice the absence of love in his eyes, you notice how differently he looks at you now.

"This is Felicity," John tells him, and this is when your heart broke all over again, just like when he told you he loved you ofr the sake of a mission, and when you told him it's over after he kissed you, and when he told you he loved you and you didn't say it back. It wasn't that you didn't love him, you think, he just needed to find himself.

And he did, but now he's lost himself again. Before all this, he didn't know if he was the Arrow or Oliver Queen, but you knew. Now, even you are aware that he's neither. 

He doesn't run to your arms, and you don't run into his, and neither of you say anything for a long time. John tells you to take a seat, and you say that you're fine, and he explains Oliver's predicament. When John said that Oliver isn't able to recall anything from his past, tears started streaming down your face, and John is silent, and Oliver has a look on his face-- pity, you think, or despair. You wonder if he longs for the idea of the life he had, because he had lived so long, and now every bit of it is gone and he has no memory of anything. 

John leaves the two of you alone, and you take a seat beside Oliver. There's a streak of tears on your cheek, and although the tears had stopped coming, you feel like you're reaching breaking point again. You don't understand how his eyes hold the fear and anger he felt with his days with the league, and how at the same time they look so, so full of life and hope. He doesn't move, is rigid and he looks so close to capturing you in a hug, if not for the fact that he does not know you.

You think it's futile, but you try anyway. You remind him of the past. You leave out his five years in Lian Yu-- you think the worse memories have a time for later. You tell him about the time you met, and how he remembered years after that the pen you were chewing on was red. You tell him that he had the worst excuses back when you were still not aware that he was the vigilante. You tell him of the days you still had to hide your affection for each other, and stupidly you remember Ray and how you needed him only because you couldn't love Oliver. You remind him of how he almost died but came back anyway, and loved you still. You tell him about how much he loved his sister and how much he sacrficed for her. 

You stopped talking, at some point, and Oliver says your name the way you've always loved. He reaches hesitantly across the table for your hand, and mutters, "Felicity, I..."

The air is heavy in the room, and he says he's sorry. In any other circumstance, you're sure you'd be told he loves you. But not in this one.


End file.
